Opening a Woman

orgasmic woman

Everywhere I go on the Tantra scene, I find the same phenomenon: a handful of men who are proudly proclaiming to be  “opening women up”. What this usually means is that they are offering women yoni massage (sexual massage) and orgasmic experiences.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think that one of the greatest aspects of the masculine is the desire to open up a woman. There exists this fact that often someone else can open us up more than we can open ourselves. This is because we can surrender to another, whereas on our own there is always an element of being in control. So this aspect of the masculine which delights in opening a woman can be a great and precious gift.

However, I really want to just say something to those men.

orgasmic womanOpening a woman up has the effect of opening her up.

Please stop for a moment to consider what you are opening. When you open a woman sexually, her energy moves (orgasm is a huge movement of sexual energy in the body). When this energy moves, it starts breaking down layers of protection and defence. Now ultimately this is a great thing on the tantric path…we want to drop those old patterns of defence. But, as layers of long-held defence falls away, deep vulnerability is exposed.

When you open a woman up, you re opening up her deep layers, opening her heart, exposing her mystery, taking the lid off Pandora’s box.

She may experience any number of things. Often a huge rush of inexplicable emotions. Some women cry or laugh during orgasm. There may be tremendous flows of energy…full body shaking and trembling.

However, if once you have opened a woman, you pat yourself on the back and then move onto finding the next woman to open, you are leaving a woman wide open and vulnerable.

How often I see men getting carried away with their own ego-gratification without enough understanding of the effect they are having. If you truly wish to be of service through opening women, then it is not for your ego’s sake. And if you are in true service, then you are in service to all of that woman….not only her orgasm, but also her feelings, her energies and all that comes up for her. You are there to serve a woman by creating safe and sacred space for her.

So I certainly don’t want to put a dampener on the enthusiasm of these well-meaning men. But I do want to speak out for all of the women who have been left feeling open and raw and unheld.

Please take care of the sacred feminine. Please acknowledge your own power. Please take responsibility for your actions. Please check in with yourself…you know if you are coming from ego or service. Please don’t fool yourself.

We want to receive your gifts. Truly we do. But we are ready to receive them in a way that is in alignment with healing and love.

Not only that, Tao Tantra says that if a man’s gift is to open a woman sexually, a woman’s gift is to open a man’s heart. If you only make space for the sexual aspect, a woman is left feeling incomplete and the interaction is imbalanced.

There are ways to hold space for a purely sexual opening, such as a professional massage. But please note the word “professional”. The professionals (generally) know how to make a woman feel safe and held through the vehicle of the session and clarity of boundaries. The whole professional setting is in itself a container to hold the experience in.

So if you are running around, from one tantra event to another, “opening women”, I ask you please to pause and take a deep and honest look within. Ask yourself if there is a better way you could be doing this, and please check in where you are coming from. There may be a better way that you can offer your gifts…

And finally, a note from GuruJi, Bob Marley:

Bob Marley The-biggest-coward-is-a-man-who-awakens-a-womans-love-with-no-intention-of-loving-her-Bob-Marley-quote_0

Thanks, Bob!

Train in the ancient arts of sacred sexuality: taotantricarts.com

Discover more about Tantra: LiveTantra.com

Comments 151

  1. Julia

    So enjoyed this. With power comes responsibility. I have recently been sleeping with someone who I found to have a profound affect on me sexually. Well in every way actually. And there’s this strange sense that the sex is healing me in some way. I am surrendering to his masculine power. Opening. This is a really big deal for me – to trust the male in this way. In fact it’s life changing. I want more and more of it. And yet I believe him to be totally closed to opening his heart to me. Or at least very deeply controlled from doing so. I’m not looking for a primary relationship with him. I have one of those! I just want sexual union. And it’s a strange situation because we have this fairly profound chemistry. But I’m not sure whether to continue. Like is it a dangerous game? There’s a chance he would open. And that has an enormous thrill to me! But the flip side is, why waste all that energy and openness and love if it’s unlikely to be reciprocated. I mean – may as well pick the man who you’re fairly sure will manage! Like the journeys hard enough already! Thought provoking shashi, thank you. This feels like a real support to me right now.

    1. Juan

      If he feels he can trust you, and more importantly if he can trust himself with your emotions… then who knows the act of opening you up will connect him to you and in turn open him up… But most men dont know what they have until its lost from them… And the ones who got away can disrupt and distract him from the one right in front of him…

    2. Rasmus

      Thanks for sharing that. Im a bit curious about wish to have all that reciprocated?
      Is that necesarry?

      Also i would love to hear Your thoughts upon wether females have that same ego agenda with men (wanting to open them up heartwise). I think some do. Its not all bad though:)

      Excuse my spelling and formulations, my english is a bit rusty:)

      1. Post

        I think with anything we are trying to do with or to another person can have ego agenda. Even when we think we are coming form good intentions…sometimes we are just justifying ourselves. One way round this is consecration…to offer our actions up to the Highest Consciousness through prayer before we act,

  2. sonja kovachevich

    Wonderful! Someone had to write it, Thank you Shashi for doing it ,and doing it so well, i agree whole heartedly, it is all about creating a container, and then continuing to hold and respect the process to the end, if you only want the perks and the praise and are not willing to hang around fall the fall out, then be responsible and don’t go there. It is up to all of us to be aware of the power and effect we have on other people and act with awareness and integrity. I am sure this article has been enlightening for many people, both men and women alike, who are familiar with tho phenomenon…

  3. Soren, disillutioned

    I am one of those men, that leave a trail of open women. Perhabs unlike the men you refer to in your artikel, it is not by intention or ego. In fact, it is frustrating and I do not know how to handle it. They say I heal them and their life changes from the moment, they were intimate with me. Yoni massage or not. Orgasm or not. They want to se me again.
    In respect for how they feel and with a lust for exploring the power in that loving relation I have seen some of them again. That is all great, but when there are ten open women “demanding” me, I run out of time and opportunity. Wanting to be a decent man I end up terribly stressed, wondering how something that feels so right and good ends up hurting so many including myself.

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  4. Ryan Orrock

    There are a few solutions to this. One, not “opening” a woman through sexual experience. Two, creating community that supports ‘open’ women. Three, creating a structure that lasts long enough for a woman to process what ‘opening’ means, integrate that and then be “safe” to be open without a guide.

    1. Post

      Thank you Ryan for taking such a pragmatic approach. Indeed your poit about a community that supports open women is HUGE. Because a woman who is opened sexually has to integrate her experience and a lot of this is about the society around her reflecting messages about sexual openness. That is an excellent point! Thank you.

  5. swamihattaji

    Usually, I need to be in my feminine and sometimes in my litte child to open up. Holding space and opening deeply is no contradiction but it’s definitively easier in the receiving. Nice post to raise the awareness among men. I also want to empower women in this situation. So I think this is what a woman can do if her partner don’t open his heart: take charge for a while. Decide that it’s time for him to be taken care of sexually, tell him that and forbid him to do anything for you for a while. And focus on your love, softness and motherly energy when you give. This will open many mens hearts.

  6. swamihattaji

    Usually, I need to be in my feminine and sometimes in my litte child to open up. Holding space and opening deeply is no contradiction but it’s definitively easier in the receiving. Nice post to raise the awareness among men. I also want to empower women in this situation. So I think this is what a woman can do if her partner don’t open his heart: take charge for a while. Decide that it’s time for him to be taken care of sexually, tell him that and forbid him to do anything for you for a while. And focus on your love, softness and motherly energy when you give. This will open many mens hearts.


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  7. Vanessa

    Thank you for calling this out Shashi, I would take it one step further and call it sexual abuse!
    I am a Tantrika and have noticed over the last several years a growing trend for ‘Dakas’ to act as the Divine man, offing yoni massage as the path to enlightenment. I and other practitioners see this as predatory and ego based. As you say in your article, where is the aftercare? Once a woman is opened, she needs to be nurtured and supported emotionally in my professional opinion.

    1. Post

      Hi Vanessa….this is a hot topic in the tantra field. The name “Tantra” covers a wide range of types of classes and sessions and in the public eye all are the same as they use the same name.
      It is such a tricky subject, and I do not feel to take a strong stance of claiming right or wrong, but to set the intention to find ways to offer our gifts in safe and non-abusing ways.
      In many ways everyone in Tantra is a pioneer…Tantra is reawakening. With that comes some “learning by mistakes”. If we can find helpful ways to share as professionals then we can learn from each other’s mistakes and not repeat them. I would like to see the whole Tantra field evolve that the fruits of it can be passed on without too many worms hidden within!

  8. Sunyata Satchitananda

    Completely agree! It’s vitally important that men who are able to do this maintain the sacred space they’re holding and meet a woman’s openness and vulnerability with the sacred masculine who’s presence encourages her to feel safe and empowered in her sexual prowess and flow of shakti. Staying present, connected, and unconditional in your acceptance and love no matter what is released as a result of this “opening” is vital for a woman to benefit completely and feel herself again—free and connected with her essential nature.

    As one of those men who has, and does “open women,” (professionally, in my personal relationships, and in Tantric pujas) I’ve found that a woman will release whatever is keeping her from a.) being in her body, b.) connecting with her sexual energy, and c.) being able to “feel her love” due to the ravages day-to-day life or other emotional wounds she’s been carrying. To not follow through and maintain sacred space and presence would leave her without fully benefiting from the intention of the “opening.”

    For some men a woman’s shadow can be frightening to witness, and they may shrink back in their support and presence—and to these men, I encourage you to seek out the place within you that is recoiling and discover the secrets of your shadow that cause you such fear. Understand, release and integrate the lessons from the roots of your insecurity around a woman’s anger, fear, pain, and deep sorrow so you can truly “meet her” and be the sacred servant you are being called to be.


    1. Post

      Thank you Pranam. I can hear from your words that you are deep into this field and into your understanding of the dynamics at play. Thank you for taking the time to learn and practice, and for seeking integrity.

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  9. Mimi

    Without being a practitioner of tantra but very aware of sacred unions, i have been recently blessed with meeting my twin soul. Our union has been and is a series of opening ups…. I am blessed to being opened up by this glorious soul. Sexually, mentally, spiritually on every plane… and I know I found my way to his heart and being blessed to see and feel his love growing. I am so happy to have waited to experience this sacred union. I am opened and loved….

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  10. Theo

    So men need to be be humble servants.
    Ego driven orgasm servants are just not good enough.

    If we set ourselves better than some others,
    we are blinded by our pride.
    If we set ourselves better than half of humanity…
    and then wonder why they don’t want to connect in the heart.


  11. Gary

    Well this is the problem, people want to learn these techniques and aspire to open up a woman, without any long term commitment. These are the wonders that a close relationship has to offer, and yet we might as well be back in the 1950’s. You can’t have one at the expense of the other, leaving someone in deep spiritual distress. We should heed this mantra “In perfect Love, and perfect trust”

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  13. Dimitri Montfoort

    Thank you very much for making me clearly aware of the vulnerability that comes with opening up. You are very clear and your words very gentle. Easy to take in. Bob Marley’s words impress me. Very well chosen. I will take your words at heart.

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  14. Leah

    As a licensed and certified massage therapist, i must say, your article has horrified me. No professional MT will ever offer any kind of orgasmic release to you. If they did, they wouldn’t be licensed for very long! There are strict rules against it, and for good reason. You need to understand so that you do not place yourself at risk. Please hear me.

    1. Post

      Thank you Leah for wanting to protect people. There is a rising field of sexual massage and indeed many people find that this helps with sexually-related problems. If you see the film “Bliss” this portrays a sexual healer helping a couple work through problems that were caused by childhood abuse. This is extremely edgy of course…a fine line between healing and re-traumatising. The field of professionals need to learn where that line is if they are going to work in such a field.

  15. Peter Adamov

    There is one fact we can’t forget! Nobody has the power to open women or men inner word upside! The doors of soul can be opened only from inside and all we can do is to “knock” on the doors of others when we find out how great transformation it is to open up and take that risk. To think we are even able to open someone else is just an Ego trick! Don’t u think too much about ur self? Everyone is responsible for his/ her own but paradox is we all are responsible for everyone.. This is the real Tantra !

    1. Post

      Dear Peter. Thanks for your comment. I am referring of course to physical opening….that when someone touches in a certain way a whole biochemical cascade happens and the body opens up. What I wanted to point out is that also as the body enters a state of such surrender the heart can also open up, and other deep layers.
      Yes we are responsible for ourselves and this article is for women as well as men!!!

  16. Jennifer Celeste

    Such valuable information contained in this post! I acknowledge the love and care that went in to calling men to awareness that it is not just about release…. it is about a sacred journey of loving. And I love me some Bob Marley <3

  17. Lex

    Of course such massages are sacred. Personally I would not be able to do this to any women. Yes, a women might be ‘open’ after such an experience. But, also a man get’s ‘open’ and therefore vulnerable when he serves a women by creating a safe and sacred space for her. Serving should be reciprocally, even when women and men serve on different levels.

    Unfortunately in our days many women truly think that serving is just a duty for men. That’s completely wrong. With an attitude like that, somebody brings him- or herself in this exposed left-behind situation. To be left vulnerable is in that case an own goal. That both can experience true passionate love with discernment, both need to fulfill their own homework with a lifetime personality development such as yoga or similar nature trails. By doing so the own comfort zone has to be left behind regularly.

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  18. Peter Warnock

    beautifully put, as a professional tantric bodyworker I have seen this a few times when my clients have been to a festival and seen these ‘women openers’ which has in some cases actually caused more of a closure once the experience has finished, leaving deep vulnerability which is not met by the ‘opener’ once they have moved on – and unfortunately it is definitely becoming more prevalent in the tantra world.

    with love


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  19. Ahanti Camarano

    Hi Shashi!

    You’re right on the mark with this column. It serves so many men and women, and might remove some bloody old misconceptions about tantra, spirituality and how to evolve in intimacy.
    I’m leading men/women’s groups myself, and would like to have your permission to translate this piece to my blog (in Portuguese): http://www.ahanti.com
    Please let me know if you’re OK with this, and I’ll send you the published column in Portuguese.

    Congrats on the great work you’re doing!

    Lots of love,

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  22. richard

    RE: “There may be a better way that you can offer your gifts…” Yes there is, and it is giving this gift to myself as a man, to open myself to love, which is to open to her openness in relating and to open to MaMa nature in my relating with Life.

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  24. xiu

    Well if you use tantra and perhaps hypnosis also like I do you can open woman so that if she hasnt ever experienced vagina and full body orgasm and I open her like that she can easily experience those with me and easier with other people and with herself and I give her total control to mind stimulating hypnosis words that using them she can always open that much she wants.. and I am not in love with her but from the beginning I have total honesty, then I am serving her she learns and experiences so much and I make her feel better in her future relationships too becouse I have opened her and got opened her restricted beliefs about sexuality and getting orgasms. If I do all this with purpose and honesty and still With Ego am I serving only good? I think so and Thats why I keep doing this with lot of women and opening lots of women

    1. Post

      Thank you Xiu. I do not know what the ultimate answer is. In my own experience I feel most at ease when the therapist uses prayer and consecration at the start of a session, to offer the fruits of the session to Highest Consciousness. Not only at the start, but continually throughout being in a meditative state in which you feel a lack of “personal” from them…no agenda, not imposing desires upon you. Rather you can feel the presence that is the result of their own spiritual practice, and that presence holds space.

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  25. robert samiljan

    everyone is different, with different needs, hope both learn to speak up and allow only what u want, there r know rules but to learn who u r kind of ironic marley had many woman and many woman just wanted to be with him.

    1. Post

      Ha ha…thanks for the feedback. Indeed I do not know how he was with women’s hearts…possible he spoke from experience of making mistakes rather than from pure wisdom!!!

  26. priya

    Brilliant article! I especially would like to underline what you wrote “Not only that, Tao Tantra says that if a man’s gift is to open a woman sexually, a woman’s gift is to open a man’s heart. If you only make space for the sexual aspect, a woman is left feeling incomplete and the interaction is imbalanced.” RIGHT ON! This imbalance is actually an often overlooked and underplayed tragedy and potential rescaring of the heart wound of women’s sexuality. Something most men who offer this “gift” do not understand. In my opinion to open a women sexually in a transformation (and transpersonal way) can also do harm to the balancing of a woman’s chakras if one is closed to loving her fully or receivng her love fully. This makes the interaction not only imbalanced but potentially harmful. This is the shadow side of this “work”, as guruji Bob M so aptly put! Thanks for your evocative perspectives and intellegent writing! Great photos of you too!

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  27. Constance

    Wow….this is so true and profound…i just wish I’d read this 9 months ago!
    I had a best friend who began taking tantra courses and was loving his new role in opening women. I had just had a devastating relationship where i felt so unseen and unattractive, and had finally made it out the other side of my grieving process of a number of years. I thought i would never have sex again!
    My friend convinced me to have a session with him to “awaken” my sexuality. It was amazing, truly, as my body found its way back not only to orgasm, but i had the most bliss EVER in my body! I was convinced it was because it was with him, and we became lovers in the middle of my second tantra session.
    The next year and a half was such a wild ride, with me enjoying my new lover with such delight, as he continued to do several sessions a week with other women. Sometimes he would have protected sex with them, too, because he said it was what the session called for.
    I was so naive! I’m ashamed to say i stayed with him, knowing that even though he said he loved me, his days and nights were often full of other women. It wasn’t until i finally realized he not only couldn’t remember what I liked, what my yoni loved, and what it didn’t, but i found out he was having unprotected sex in some of these sessions, a direct violation of agreements we made with each other, as well as a misuse of the power of his tantric training. I was devastated, and completely disillusioned about tantra, dakas, and their “work” in the world.
    I see now that it was the opening i needed, but not the man. I’m sad that it ruined a delightful friendship, for i can’t find my way back to trusting him, but I’m in such agreement that a man using this profession for ego is destined to break many hearts…..
    Thanks, Shashi, for your wisdom so clearly spoken.

    1. Post

      Ahhh Constance. Thank you for sharing. It’s a mixed bag isn’t it…gratitude for being opened, pain at being lied to and feeling deceived. It is such a powerful tool for a man to learn how to open women….what will he do once he has that tool in his hands?

  28. Kate Zulaski

    Although I appreciate your intention of directing people to other “professionals”, I am disturbed by your choice of professional massage therapists as the professionals who specialize in purely sexual opening. Professional massage therapists are not sexual therapists. Please, respect those who offer nonsexual, healing, loving touch as a way to relieve pain and stress by not suggesting them as the solution to this issue.

    1. Post

      I do not want to take the authority to suggest the solution to anyone. All I can offer is from experience, and I offer that humbly. Indeed, loving touch is so deeply healing…so much research shows that. Perhaps we need more scientific research on effects of tantric massage: what woks, what doesn’t. This area could do with more light upon it…I’m certain there is a deep gem there. What if tantric massage was researched and regulated and well-held? And it is still only an option, but one that is safely available to people.

  29. Ethan King

    I found these comments reassuring and helpful Shashi. Thank you. It crystallises for me some concerns I’ve held in a vague way for some time about that side of the Tantra ‘scene’.

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  30. Axl

    Or even as one graduate of the Baba Dez school did, to do this & then penetrate afterwards without consent when I was duly ‘opened’? Tantra is not the most understanding of schools, or maybe it’s just that rape is not good for business.

    1. Post

      I am sorry to hear you had this experience.
      These subjects are important for discussion. This topic is hot right now in the field. I hope the whole scene can evolve in awareness on this subject and make it safe for genuine seekers of Tantra to explore without being violated.

  31. Nam

    “Tantra scene” in other words it’s an act . Proclaiming that one is tantric- both males and females – is generally a sign of being involved in consumer mentality ,and ego ranking,looking for identity and status etc. . When either males of females signify about being tantric, it often means they like the idea, haven’t done much of the work yet.

    1. Post

      That may be the case Nam. I was referring to gatherings of people choosing to learn about Tantra. There is an innocence to this…people are there because they want to learn, not because they are proclaiming themselves to be tantric.

    2. Sundari

      Nam, that says it all. Most if not all the tantra hype is the ego activity of a contracted self AVOIDING relationship…that is the work, the actual purification of the tantrika proclaiming ego self, needing to be opened by another. The opening happens in the heart, and this after much work/sadhana and self-understanding, constantly watching what the ego separated self is up to…especially dangerous, these tantric ego games.
      Understand yourself first, then see who shows up to share an intimate partnership.

      .what is real, intimate opening of the heart between a man and a woman. Vulnerability and confessions, support and love. ONE, not two.

  32. David Adelman

    Did the woman use discernment before alowing the man to open her up? Did she allow herself time to get to know the man and open him up before she submitted herself? If she did, surely there would not be a problem.

    1. Post

      Thank you David. This is a wise answer, and it hands responsibility to the woman. Yes may we all take time to feel into situations before we make choices…

  33. Rasmus

    Thanks for Your great post. Very objective without judgement or liftet fingers.

    I have been that man, the man “thriving” on openening op women. Not consciously though. Just enjoying it.

    Why?… Because of that empty pit of sorrow and abandonment somewhere inside me.

    Because, of that wonderful blisslike feeling it gave of connectedness at that single moment of melting together and beeing with each other.

    Because i felt like a god standing before a shining star at that one moment.

    I think its useful to any man or woman who find themselves thriving on opening up or empowering others, to take a look in the mirror and ask one self, which feeling You are escaping from, trying to quell or try to satisfy.

    Starting to work with tantra definately help me open my eyes to this. Especially through greater awareness of my own inner mechanisms.
    For me actually it has been a great help to give tantramassage as a professional. Having ethics and a client/therapist relationship makes it so much easier to not let my own needs give in.

    Also a lot of verbal commuication seems helpful. When we put words on the things we observe and feel, it helps understand the process.

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  34. ivo

    Thank you. What i do not read, is: the proof or words of those women, that they feel like this. There is judgment within your essay, although I totally understand and feel what you mean. The ego you are writing about with those men involved is your own ego writing this. Love

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  35. Kelly MacInnis

    I think sex outside of the context of love is an illusion. Men seem more skilled at denying loving feelings after sex than woman. Some don’t seem to notice at all. I think this is because they are more shut down in general. I think it would be nice if men in this context, Tantra, would be well served to offer a whole experience but then as you say, they would have to open as well.I would be very reluctant to accept any offer from a man to “open” me. I would rather be loved.

  36. Luc

    In my humble opinion it’s again the same old story :
    Men take most action and women never satisfied and always complaining.
    Sorry for my rational comment to your article.

    1. Post

      comments are welcome! Please don’t hear a complaint…there is much gratitude here, just simply a request to see many aspects of a woman. This request is only to the men who do not. There are so many men who do!!!

  37. edhare

    Men can open up too, and I think that what is important to always remember is that when people open, for themselves, for another person or to the Universe and God, they are, well… open. They are vulnerable, yes, but they are also going to be finding in themselves new feelings, new thoughts, new emotions, and these could be a surprise to everyone. They are also going to be face to face with unresolved issues in themselves and these could also hold surprises, and more than a small wave of rough waters to be surfed.

    Yes, we can, on invitation, be part of what helps open someone up, and in the process open ourselves, too, but we should also be prepared to stand with what is uncovered and to love and accept the changes that we may see on other people and ourselves as we come face to face with our own inner nature. Don’t just open, self or other, then say, “Good job” and walk on to the next adventure, because in these new openings, the adventure you just started in that opening will be interesting, rich, challenging, a bit messy at times and can be rewarding beyond your wildest dreams, if you are really, really, really ready to come face to face with the reality that can grow from your wildest dreams.

  38. Sten Oerting

    Thank You so much for sharing this – it’s true, and it’s needed 🙂
    And written in a constructive manner!
    Greetings from Denmark, Samsara Dance Club & abunDANCEclub

  39. PassionPoet

    “And if you are in true service, then you are in service to all of that woman….not only her orgasm, but also her feelings, her energies and all that comes up for her. You are there to serve a woman by creating safe and sacred space for her.”

    I’m ruminating on this. I tell women all the time I am a safe space for them. Now I know why.

    Thank you.

  40. Daniel

    Interesting. The same can happen the other way around, you know. What I mean is that there are also women who play these kind of “games” with men (intentionally or unintentionally). In the end, going into these kinds of experiences with someone implies a willingness to become very vulnerable, for both, and doing it without some kind of commitment to trying to remain open,honest and supportive is very unwise, in my opinion. If one party or other (or both) ends up feeling dumped and worthless, that can inflict some very deep wounds. I think tantra can be a wonderful path, but it is a powerful thing and not something to play childish games with. Unfortunately, in these days of spiritual tripping, too many are doing that.

    1. Post

      Yes and everyone is the field is also being a pioneer. May we all join together with a willingness to find safe and effective ways to journey through tantra and receive the fruits without the pitfalls!

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  41. Fire Snake

    I dont think that a man “opens” a woman sexually or that a woman “opens” a mans heart.
    A woman chooses to surrender and so does the man.
    I never expect a man to fall in love. If it happens and he chooses to show it. Its his choice. Not something I get him to do

    That’s not love. It’s more like sex.

    When I surrender to a man I choose to do it because I get horny. Its not primarily because of what he does.

    That’s not sex. It’s more like rape/lack of consent.

    In reality there is no charity when it comes to sex and falling in love.

  42. Goradana

    Hi Shashi,
    Forgive me I realize my comments come a bit late but I just came across your article via a friend of mine. I have noticed also what you are talking about and have experienced it myself but I also realized that it was actually an amazing blessing.
    It’s a unique chance to feel that you can be ‘opened up’ by truly anybody provided he or she’s got the technique. It helps women to realize that ‘whatever’ opens up here lies within them. Too often women project immediately their love onto somebody else and hang on to a person full of expectations in return. The ‘egotistic’ man they eventually meet during sessions helps them to realize that it has nothing to do with him. Love is inside them and everywhere also but not everyone is conscious of it and hey that’s ok! Once you ‘see’ this clarity which is beyond understanding it’s integrated and so liberating!
    Isn’t it beautiful to have a chance to realize in one shot that here is this sexual or life energy residing inside my body and I can choose to let go with anybody and rise this energy up until it fills my body so I can still enjoy my fullness and it’s ok if the other is not connected to his heart yet… not his time … his loss!… or I suddenly meet a man connected to his heart who can also feel the enlightenment of his body and we can share much more … much much more by reaching the oneness together … then you have the choice … !!
    isn’t beautiful and liberating…. on the opposite!

    1. Post

      Thank you. A very important reflection. Yes, somehow we have to honour our vulnerability and choose when to open, and at the same time hold space for ourselves, WHEN WE CAN. It helps is all healers understand this dynamic and work with it. Thanks for bringing this to light.

  43. Erik

    A man who is opening up a woman can only do that by opening up himself. Which means he is vulnerable too. I had such experience with a woman the last past months. We created an intimacy which touched us deeply, as well as it touched the people with whom shared this. All of a sudden she left. She closed her heart and I would not even know exactly why. It was a very painful experience.

    I am not blaming her. In spite of the pain, in spite of that our relation was full of self-liberating possibilities, in spite of how glorious our future could have been. It was her choice to leave and she will have good reasons for it, from her perspective.

    Trusting life is trusting that whatever happens is OK. If there is pain, then I don’t surrender to life, which is also OK. Blaming is just holding you back from the flow, from the wisdom of life itself.

    May this shed some light on trust.

  44. Espen Kaval

    So, I like your article a lot. But what strikes me is that nobody hardly ever seems to be stating the obvious when talking about tantra.
    The dilemma you are exploring is around getting an ego kick out of opening a woman up, or being responsible about it and holding space for that opening – service as you call it. There is somthing perverse about that dilemma. Something inauthentic. Has the tantra scene become so orientated towards becoming good therapists and building careers that we have lost sight about what tantra can be, can mean, can truly hold for us ? ..that a woman (or man) who is opening up (and I am indeed talking about the soul ) in respons to something that I do, transmit or communicate in some way, is for my own pleasure. That it is only now that this opening in you is happening that we can really experience what can maybe be called tantric.. the mystery of love itself without any theraputic reservations, without getting excited about my powers or other ways to remain unmoved to what is coming alive in you. Obviously, having any of these subconscious thoughts about holding space etc. and energies running, one cannot enter into it, one cannot open, one cannot participate. And unless one is already embodying ones soul’s energy – established in it, one should really use the opportunity to enter into the energy and beauty of the avelanche one has helped set in motion…. to enjoy the fruits of ones labour so to speak…
    I am as uninterested in service as I am in the egotrip of it. I am in it for this. My interest to open you up is so that I can enjoy you better. So that we are, in the true sense of the word, ‘making love’ and fully participating in its fruits – in your fruits .. and my own.
    Blessed evening and thanks for the article, really enjoyed it

    1. Post
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