“This broken heart is your invitation to learn unconditional love, honey” the psychic informed me.
“What? I have to learn unconditional love by letting him go? But I want to learn it by loving and being loved by him” I pleaded.
Well she had a point. I guess I was making love conditional…the condition that we are in a relationship together for at least some decent amount of time. But surely that’s not too unreasonable a condition?
At the time I had let myself fall in love with The Unavailable Man. I knew there was another woman in his life, but I had got the impression it was quite a casual connection (or perhaps a little wishful thinking). He neglected to tell me that they had talked about marriage together. This fact he only told me after I had fully opened my heart, soul and body to him. And this new information hit me like a ton of bricks in my soft and hugely vulnerable underbelly. I knew I had to step away.
So there I was in the painful position of having to let go of a man I was ready to give the earth to. My heart strings were fully flowing with lashes of love in his direction, my deepest being was cracked open to him, my hormones fully attuned to him…and then I had to step back and let him return to her. Before my eyes.
In a moment of needing urgent support I called a well-renowned psychic healer. And she told me “Honey, do you remember when you prayed to know unconditional love? Well, here comes the lesson. It’s gonna do surgery on you and stretch your heart right open.” What? OMG I must remember to add small-print to my prayers: “let me know unconditional love: through love rather than through pain please! Thank you!”
However, it was true. I had made that prayer. And now this psychic was explaining to me how watching him all in love with her right before my eyes was going to give me the ideal opportunity to learn unconditional love. It was, she explained, all about keeping my heart open even when it hurt. Hurt? it was excruciating.
To make matters all a thousand times worse, we were in a situation in which I had to see them together all of the time. Each time sent stabs of agony into my heart like shards of glass ripping me apart. But I noticed I had two choices: one was to close my heart, defend my vulnerability and push away the pain. The other was to breathe the pain right into my heart, hold space for it and allow the rivers of my deepest vulnerability to felt and experienced. Just keep my heart space open, no matter what.
I decided that the second option might be the route towards unconditional love.
I also noticed a huge desire to be angry with them and think negative thoughts…of course this was a from of defence lying over the top of my pain. As I was doing a Course in Miracles at the time, I was reminded to go constantly into forgiveness. Not that they were doing anything wrong, but that this was a way to keep my heart soft and let go of the attachment to angry thoughts. When anger or judgement would arise, I offered it up to Higher Consciousness and asked for it to be replaced with eyes of love, with God’s vision. Somehow it worked, I would feel a shift and an opening to love…this is what they call “a miracle”. That shift in perspective from fear-based reality to love.
For after all, I was simply afraid of the depths of my own vulnerability. That deep deep deep-rooted fear of rejection and abandonment. If we surround ourselves with enough safe relationships we can almost avoid going there, and yet which human being does not have this fear somewhere? After all, when we popped out into this world as a small vulnerable baby we needed to be loved and held and accepted. Rejection and abandonment would have killed us. Literally.
So no wonder it feels as if it will kill us whenever those feelings resurface as adults. And one thing I know from teaching Tantra is that many people even avoid intimate relationships so as to avoid rejection. Others get into unhappy relationships ad stay there for years just because they are safe and secure. But here was a third option presenting itself: to feel those deep feelings and hold them for myself. To shine my own love down to my deepest fears. Self-love on a very deep level.
At the end of the few weeks in which we were all in close proximity, though I won’t deny I was relieved to get some space from the situation, I also left with a lot of peace in my heart. And a depth of tender love I had not known before. I even felt a genuine gratitude towards them and towards life. For I had spent the period in one of the deepest relationships ever….with myself. My higher, unconditionally loving, self holding my deep and fearful self. Learning a love I had never known before.
I also noticed how I could hold space for students and friends going through pain even better than I could before. I had a genuine compassion: I know how that feels, and believe me there is enough love to carry you through. Your higher self IS love, so let it hold your deepest fears like a crying baby being held in its loving embrace. This too shall pass. And, if you manage to keep your tender heart open, then it will leave you even more loving and compassionate than before.