There is so much they didn’t teach us at school, and life becomes a trial-and-error playground as we try to work out how to live and to love. This means that so often it is through our mistakes that we learn, through our pain. One of my hardest, yet deepest lessons, has been about the nature of love. And I share it here because maybe, just maybe, it will help someone to receive the love that the Universe is bestowing upon them and not unknowingly push it away.
When we fall in love, we see such perfection in the other. Cynics call it “seeing through rose-tinted glasses”, as if this is somehow an illusion. Tantrics would say that actually we are “seeing the other person’s true nature”, recognising that actually our so-called normal vision of the world is the one that is distorted. Only love sees truth.
Yet somewhere along the way we start to see shortcomings. We see that our partner is not doing their share of the household chores. We see that they have an insecurity, as we judge that as an imperfection. We find all sorts of problems in the way they make love to us. We see their bad moods, and we immediately see this as them- they are now this grumpy or this fearful or this sad person. We exchange those rose-tinted glasses for the distorted lens of judgement.
What ever happened to that perfect person we fell in love with? Surely everyone else has a more perfect partner? How can we possibly love someone so imperfect? Either we will stay, but feel dissatisfied and complain. Or we will move on, looking for someone more perfect.
And this is what I wish wish wish they had taught us growing up; what I wish with all my heart I had known earlier:
That each of those perceived criticisms is actually simply a calling to give love.
So if we are feeling to criticise our beloved for being insecure, our true yearning is to support them and hold them in a way that makes them feel secure. If we are judging that they are putting on a front, our yearning is to hold a loving presence that supports them to relax and be themselves. If we are feeling to criticise our beloved for being lazy, our yearning is to inspire them and give them energy. If we are feeling to criticise our beloved for not being sensual enough with us, then our true longing is to touch them in a way that awakens their sensuality.
That actually to give our love is to give our deepest gift. And that our deepest yearning here in this life is to give our gift of love. Why did they not tell us that this is our ultimate purpose? If our ultimate purpose was only enlightenment as recognition of Oneness, we would not be here in this human experience. The human experience is an invitation to love. The human purpose is to express the truth of who we are as love. Enlightenment in manifestation.
If only we had been taught this, then instead of having a whole load of complaints about our partner, we would be so fulfilled that we can give our gift of love in this lifetime. We would feel so rewarded because we can actually make a difference in someone’s life. We would be so fulfilled that we get to see our beloved shine in our presence.
Why did they teach us to search for perfection, instead of teaching us to CREATE perfection? Why did they teach us to try and force others to change, instead of asking the crucial question: what can I bring here that will create a space for love?
Sadly, most of us were raised in a consumer society that taught us to get what we want. And if it’s not good enough: throw it away and get a new one. Sadly we often apply these principles to our human relationships.
Luckily, there is an awakening towards switching to a creative society. Luckily people are recognising that to create is actually a whole lot more rewarding than to consume. Luckily we are learning to stop asking “what can I get?” and start asking “what can I give?”. May we all learn these vital keys to true happiness and peace before it’s too late.
Next time you fall in love, don’t ask “What can I get here?”; ask instead “What can I give here?”
Watch one man’s journey of love, as he explores the path of Tantra: Sex to Spirit, coming soon!
Train in the Tao Tantric Arts in SE Asia, and learn to facilitate the path of love.